Day 2 (okay, it’s day three, but I was busy on day two…)

So I previously posted about this new “getting healthy” plan from my insurance company and how I’m supposed to answer these stupid questions everyday for a week or so. ¬†Today’s question:

Day 2:
My relationship to my body
‚ÄúIf my body could talk to me, what would it say?‚ÄĚ

I think¬†my body would say, “Damn stupid mother-fucker! ¬†What the fuck¬†have you been doing to us? ¬†Is there some kind of reason you’ve been putting us through this horrible abuse for the past 20-something years? ¬†You don’t eat right. ¬†You smoke like a blown radiator on a cold day. ¬†You don’t sleep nearly¬†enough to keep me even slightly happy. ¬†What gives? ¬†What did I¬†ever do to you?

“Oh, that’s right, I only make sure you’re lungs work (even though you treat them like shit…what kind of asthmatic smokes a pack or two EVERY FUCKING DAY?) and your heart beats and your food gets digested… Oh… Wait… ¬†Are you pissed off because I refuse to be happy with eggs and milk products again? ¬†Well too fucking bad you little shithead!¬†¬†Daddy’s gotta get his revenge somehow, right? ¬†You treat me like shit, I’m gonna make you feel like you’re gonna shit your pants every time you eat something that tastes even remotely¬†good. ¬†Don’t like it? ¬†TREAT ME BETTER!

“Remember that ex you wish you’d treated better? ¬†That one you wish had never gotten away? ¬†I’m gonna be like that. ¬†Now our spine’s fucked up. ¬†You may or may not have had a myocardial infarction AT TWENTYFUCKINGTHREEYEARSOLD! ¬†Haven’t you learned anything? ¬†SLOW DOWN! ¬†CALM DOWN! ¬†Enjoy the ride we’re on. ¬†Take care of us! ¬†Eat better and exercise! ¬†And for the love of all that is clean and fresh QUIT FUCKING SMOKING!”

At least, that’s what I think the world wants¬†me to think my body would tell me. ¬†I think it would simply say, “DUDE! ¬†REALLY? ¬†GET US FUCKING LAID ALREADY!”