Hey old fart, Happy Freaking Birthday!

So today is one of my good friend’s birthday (birthdays/birthday’s….which one is it?  Does the singular possessive go with “friend” AND “birthday”?  Why does grammar have to be so damned difficult?)  Yay for him.  He’s now 27.  And since I’m older than him I feel obligated to warn him about things.

Firstly, you’re almost 30.  If you want to go out and do some crazy shit, do it now.  People are going to start looking at you like you’re nuts if you decide you wanna wait until your 40th birthday to go skydiving.  But, remember, you’re over 25 now, and have been for a little bit, so grocery cart/golf cart stunts are now out of the question.  You get more fragile as you get older, so be very wary you don’t do anything too dangerous, or you might break a hip.  And we sure remember how much fun that is, don’t we?

Second, take pictures!  It’s at this point you should be realizing you’re not going to live forever and so you MUST start practicing your incessant, annoying picture sharing and take pictures of anything and everything you possibly can.  Be it your cats, your backyard, the massive deuce you just dropped, it doesn’t matter.  Snap a shot and share it on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter.  Hell, print it out and show it to the person standing behind you in line at the grocery store.  Remember, practice makes perfect and you absolutely must practice so people go “OH MY GOD IT’S ANNOYING PICTURE GUY” and not Holy shit it’s creepy picture guy“.  There IS a difference.

Third, and this is important, you have to become psychologically unfit to hold an intelligent conversation if you plan on being heterosexual throughout the rest of this period of your life.  It is a scientifically proven fact that single, heterosexual men are unable to carry on a conversation about anything during this phase of their life, especially if it’s serious.  The conversation of your chick getting pregnant should go something like this:

Her:  Honey, I’ve got news!

You:  The news ain’t on til later.

Her:  No, sweety, I’m pregnant.

You:  I think Einstein may have been wrong but I can’t figure out where he dropped the decimal.

Lastly, and most importantly, remember:  The older you are, the less attractive hangovers are.

So, happy birthday, Tony, you fucking old bastard!