What do you people do on the weekends?

DUDE!

There are people EVERYWHERE!!!

It’s so strange…

I’ve become so accustomed to doing things during the week when there’s no one out and about because they’re all professionals and working and the like that being out and about while everyone is off is strange.  I feel awkward, like I don’t fit in anywhere.  Really, really awkward.  Like, that southern baptist kid at the school dance who’s not allowed to dance so they just stand against the wall awkward.

I don’t know where I’m supposed to be, when, or anything.  It’s like trying to do the Electric Slide while everyone else is doing the Boot Scoot & Boogy.

WHAT DO PEOPLE DO ON THE WEEKEND???

Being an Adult = Being Boring

I remember the first time I saw Star Wars.  It was awesome.  My dad read the intro to me because I couldn’t read that fast yet.  I didn’t ask how the cars were able to fly or how the ship was able to travel through space.  I didn’t ponder the plausibility of laser guns and explosions in vacuums, either.  I simply sat back and enjoyed the ride.

When we’d watch Star Trek, I never asked where the mouths of the Tribbles were, I just knew that they weren’t supposed to be fed.  I never wondered how the Silver Hawks were able to glide/fly through space when there wasn’t any wings.

I simply accepted this wondrous, fictional world created for my entertainment.  There was no conversation on the physics of Star Trek/Star Wars, or anything else, for that matter.  Just simple, unadulterated entertainment.

So why is it that, as an adult, I picked up Neuromancer by William Gibson and had to read the first three paragraphs four or five times before I was finally able to let go enough to slip into the story.  I almost gave up on it (after throwing it across the room) because it didn’t explain anything about where or when it was set.  It didn’t tell me about the world it was in.

I got so frustrated I started yelling about it to my roommate, who then asked, “Did anyone ever need to explain Star Wars to you?”

“Well, no.”

“Ok, then.  Pretend that book is Star Wars.”

And then it clicked.

We, as adults, are so rooted into our world of numbers, bills, paychecks, school choices, and, simply, caught up in life in general, we’ve forgotten how much fun it can be to simply sit back and imagine.  Some people, be they actors, writers, mimes, whatever, are able to let go in this way.

I think the rest of us can learn from those adults, and the children surrounding us, a very simple lesson:

Don’t be so serious, let go, and have fun.  This is our only chance.  Do it right.

Stream of Thought

Stream of thought?  Stream of conciousness would be better.  That’s not spelled right…

Conciousness…contioiusness…contientiousness…English sucks…

Why do we say “this sucks” or “this blows” when blow jobs are so totally awesome?

The wind blows, and that’s a good thing….

It would be really nice outside if there was some wind. Why doesn’t god blow more?

Stupid mosquitoes won’t leave me alone. They got rid of West Nile Virus, right?

Oh my god, what if I get malaria or something?

Did you know malaria are flatworms? #thingsilearnedfromthetwilightmoviebutnotinschool

School was stupid. I didn’t learn how babies were made until a girlfriend sat me down with the book “A Baby is Born” when I was 22 #schoolisstupid #truestory

I want children but I couldn’t even raise a pumpkin without it dying.

Maybe I’d do better with a flesh and blood thing. At least I wouldn’t feel so guilty when it died because I’d probably be in prison.

I made the mistake of watching that movie “Nature’s Grave” and now I keep thinking that stupid moth is going to come after me #zombiemothsarescary

All the guys at work made fun of me when I told them I like to crochet.

But that just means I have really nimble fingers and am good with my hands #thatsrightladiesandimsingletoo

I think I’m still delusionally dehydrated from Yom Kippur.

It ain’t no Pepsi Muffin

While it may not be as good as nibbling on a muffin, Pepsi flavored or otherwise, it’s still insanely tasty and just happens to be this weeks blog post!

What is it?  Why, it’s Kung Pow Tofu, of course!  Now, I understand some people might be all, “That’s not Kung Pow!  Peanuts do not a Kung Pow make!” and to them I reply, “Well, what is Kung Pow other than the hardest thing in the world to eat with chopsticks?”

It’s simple, really.  All you need is:

1lb well pressed Hard Tofu (Chinese or Cotton tofu)*

1 small package frozen broccoli florets

sracha sauce

chili garlic sauce

peanuts

soy sauce

oil

In either a wok or deep skillet, sauce pan, or whatever it is you happen to prefer cooking something in, heat some oil.  I happen to prefer spicy sesame oil as it’s, well, spicy.  None of that woosy olive oil for me, no sir, I like my taste buds to bleed.  Crumble to tofu into the oil.  Follow the microwave directions for the broccoli, but only cook it halfway or so.  Basically, kind of follow the instructions, but pretend your extremely stoned and hungry and too impatient to wait the 8 or 9 minutes for it to cook.

Add some soy sauce to the tofu, and maybe a little salt or whatever.  I think soy sauce is plenty salty, and my food is delicious.  Trust me.  I have about 50 pounds to lose, so I must know good food.  Stir it around every couple of minutes.  You want it to be nice and kind of golden brown or whatever.  It doesn’t really make a difference to me if you want to eat it raw.  Hey, it’s your dinner, not mine, but I happen to like my tofu nice and cooked thoroughly.  When the timer goes off on the broccoli put it in with the tofu.  You may have to drain the broccoli.  The directions on my store brand said so, but you ritzy people with your name brand broccoli might not have to.  And while you’re at it, send some extra money my way.  Or, better yet, stop being so full of yourself.  It’s a freaking vegetable.  What difference does it make if you spend an extra $1.50 on it to get the name brand versus the store brand?  It’s all G-d’s brand, anyway!

Next, add that garlic chili sauce to it that you find in the ethnic aisle at the grocery store.  Stir everything around a bit.  You probably didn’t add enough, so add a little bit more along with some sracha so everything is coated nice on top, and then stir everything around a bit more.  Then add some peanuts and sesame seeds or celery or whatever.  Then stir it around some more.  Put it into a vessel and consume.

I’d post a picture of what it should look like, but I ate my portion.  Besides, this post is about cooking, not eating.  Maybe next week I’ll post the follow-up with strict instructions on how to consume the amazing food I just explained how to make.

*Remember, folks, Bing is your friend.

What Are They Feeding Our Children?

So one of my mom’s friends just had a kid on Monday.  Mazel Tov to her!  However, she already has a son (nothing wrong with that) and the kid is terrified of women going into labor because he apparently saw a movie where the mother died in labor.  Ok, the kid’s, like, five, so no big whoop.  He’s allowed to be scarred for life by television and movies.  Where I take issue with the kid (or possibly his parents) is when he asked my mom if she wanted to see his “pet hamster”.

Now, if some kid asked me if I wanted to see his “pet hamster”, I’d be thinking about this:

This is a hamster

Which is, to be honest, what I think everyone expects.  However, my mom got this:

This is NOT a hamster

In a cute, tiny little cage.

So why does the kid think that a tarantula is a hamster?  I haven’t the foggiest idea, although I think it comes from the LSD they’re lacing the mystery meat with in the cafeteria.

Okay, that last comment wasn’t fair.  I don’t know about y’all, but where I went to school, we had awesome food.  They even had this awesome breakfast pizza with egg, cheese, sausage, and sawdust gravy (sawdust not included) and I almost wish I could go back to school just to have that awesome food.  It’s what made the torment, ridicule, and acne worth every painstaking hour of my life wasted inside the cinderblock rooms.

And does anyone have any idea as to why movie is spelled movie and not movy since the rules of grammar state that it should be movy and only movie if there’s an “s” on the end?  STUPID ENGLISH LANGUAGE!

The world and all it’s wonder

So I’ve been pretty tired lately. Why? Well, as bad as my year has been thus far, at least I haven’t had to attend a funeral for a close friend or family member, unlike my boss, who did just that last week. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have to bury a sister. My heart goes out to him. But it also meant I worked almost 60 hours this past week and am going to be working another 60 hours this week due to training and other things. As much as I’ve been wanting to write, sometimes life just gets in the way.

And it always makes me sad when people don’t realize that life can do that.  Like with my conversion.  How can I finish it when I can’t partake in my community?

But at least I got to have an interesting conversation with a guy at Ihop about “Project Paperclip” and just about anything else in the world.  I still wonder what he’s doing at Ihop.  This guy should be working in research somewhere.  He’s super smart.  But he’s going to school and I’m fairly certain it’s easier to work a class schedule around a service job than just about anything else.

And I don’t know what I did to my arms but  I think they’re angry and want to run away from me.  Also, I’ve slept for all of 4 hours and am wide awake.  This makes no sense.  ARGH!

I’ve found the reason for my insomnia!

So, I think I’ve discovered the reason for both my insomnia and my insanity: The television I watched as a kid.

No, really, think about it.  Have you ever been walking down the street or stuck in the office and suddenly had a song stuck in your head that you couldn’t quite put your finger on?  Maybe it’s that new Blackeyed Peas song, or the new Lady Gaga?

NO!  It’s the theme to The Mary Tyler Moore Show!

Tell you what, just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip!

What’s that, girl?  You say I’ve finally lost my mind entirely and need to sleep so I’m not such a crazy lunatic who’s too tired to write something substantial and so I came up with a last-minute link post?

I think I’ve found the best advice yet, though!

Dance your cares away,
Worry’s for another day.
Let the music play,
Down at Fraggle Rock.
Work you cares away,
Dancing’s for another day.
Let the Fraggles play,
We’re Gobo, Mokey, Wembley, Boober, Red.
Dance your cares away,
Worry’s for another day.
Let the music play,
Down at Fraggle Rock.
Down at Fraggle Rock.
Down at Fraggle Rock.

I think these are two different people singing this songthis one sounds better by FAR!   Although, that second link kind of makes it sound all sorts of wrong and seductive…kind of creepy…

And lastly, this was my favorite cartoon EVER as a kid! BraveStar!  I had EVERYTHING!  The lunchbox, the toys, the thermos that went with the lunchbox…