C to the R to the A to the Z to the Y!

So what’s it like being crazy?  Sometimes it’s fun, in that runaway-train-headed-towards-a-non-existant-bridge-above-a-pit-of-lava-with-only-thorns-to-slow-you-on-the-300-story-fall.  You never know what’s going to happen, when it’s going to happen, or where it’s gonna stop.  It’s months of wanting nothing more than to be left alone followed by months of craving companionship.  It’s “don’t touch me I need you love me I hate you” filled arguments with lovers.  It’s telling your friend to get mortally fucked by a rhinoceros before asking them to dinner.  It’s breaking up with the woman you tell everyday you want to marry only to beg forgiveness, get fucked up the ass by one guy and pregnant by another, then telling her it’s her fault.

It’s waking up in tears and immediately laughing about it and thinking it’s so funny you call everyone in your phone despite it being 4am.

It’s wanting to kill yourself because the dolphins swimming in the waves are beautiful.

Crazy is as crazy as crazy can be.  It’s having to rhyme chime sign shine because there’s no other way to be.

Crazy is crying because the bacteria on your hands won’t go away and two-hour showers because the soap won’t suds evenly and biking forty miles because you have to hit that curb with the other foot, too, or else things won’t be even.

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The Reason I Haven’t Posted

So, having a mental illness sucks. Majorly. It sucks like a raging tornado, like a tsunami sucks life from an island, like a queen sucks a nine-inch cock. Mental. Illness. Sucks.

And the suckiness of mental illness is why I haven’t been keeping up with my blog, despite having promised myself that I was going to invest in my writing and my blog and my everything else.  But such are the ways of manic episodes.  I thought I could keep up with this and my parents and my friends and my life and Twitter and everything else I need to keep up with.  And then I cycled.  Again.  And I realized I can’t be funny all the time, no matter how much I want to, because that’s not where my talent lies.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not completely “Emo” all the time.  There are two sides of me and, starting now, this is going to be where the two sides of me merge, where I can finally let out everything, be it the sappy “I feel like total shit today, blahblahblah’s” or the funny exploding people posts, or anything in between.  It’s my blog, so it’s gonna be about me and every part of me.  Besides, how can I grow as a writer if I don’t grow as a person?

Besides, blogging out all my angst on MySpace makes me feel like an immature adolescent douchebag, and I am far from adolescence.  Douchebaggery I’m in with both feet.  I’m good at it, and I’m not gonna stop doing one of the few things I actually have a talent for.