Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Dear Jack,

We’ve had many fun years together, haven’t we? I still remember the day we met in high school. Those $0.99 tacos, all fresh and steamy and made just for me were the key to my heart. And when you made me my first Ultimate Cheeseburger, you filled my soul with deliciousness.

These past fifteen years have been so wonderful.

I’m sure you’ve noticed how distant I’ve been as of late. Until last night and this morning. It was great being back together, even though it was only a short time.

I’m sorry, Jack, but I can’t do this anymore. I have to put myself first. My body just can’t take what you have anymore. All the soy, dairy, eggs, and meat. I’ve always loved the way you handled them, just as I’ve always loved everything about you from that first afternoon so very long ago.

It’s not you, Jack. It’s me. I can no longer process your culinary goodness. My body rejects it faster than Volvo rejects my credit score.

Please know I still, and always will, love you, Jack. And we’ll always have those late nights we shared together, even if they’re only memories.


More Adventures in Parenting Parents

You know that crazy high phone bill you get surprised with when your kid calls some chat line or sends 50,000 texts? I got one of those. Live and learn.

Sitting outside the VA hospital, waiting for Dad to get out of surgery. He’s got this bone burr thing. I read about it, but that was a year ago when they first said he needed to have some simple procedure to have it removed.

Looking for the smoking area I passed the barber shop and there was a tiny old man sitting in the chair, talking to the barber.

Once I start talking about Pearl Harbor and World War Two, I can’t lie about my age, ya know?

Kind of made my day.

It’s been one of those that’s an exercise in patience.

What’s Wrong with Obama

I’d like somebody, anybody, really, to tell me why Obama is bad for America.

I’m not looking for “BECAUSE HE’S TERRIBLE” as an answer.  I want a real, thought out response.

Thus far I’ve heard over and over “Obama’s bad for America!” Yet the only reasoning given is “because”.

It didn’t fly when our parents used it, and it doesn’t fly when anyone else says it.

No arguments from me, although I might respond with questions.

It’s Simply a Matter of Skill

I keep sleeping through my alarms. If I didn’t have anything important to do, it wouldn’t be a big deal. However, if I sleep through ny alarms and don’t open my store, I might get fired.

And that’s bad.

So I found this app where you have to do math to turn off the alarm or make it snooze. I thought it would be a great idea. Unfortunately I appear to have an amazing ability to add and subtract regardless of how awake I am. In fact, I seem to be better when I’m not fully awake than when I’m fully awake.

And that’s a scary thought.

Though it’s not nearly aa frightening as how many people it took to change the soap in the bathroom today.

I got this call from my store asking how to do it. They said they’d both tried, and nothing was working. So I asked if they had the key.

Which makes me sad, because what kind if world do we live in where soap dispensers have to be designed to keep people from stealing the specially designed soap container that only dispenses soap from an approved dispenser?

So, anyway, they found the key in another dispenser, however, they were unable to dislodge it. These aren’t little weakling nerdy boys. These are down to earth guys, one of which is delightfully blue collar and the other is active and athletic. Yet neither of them could pull one little piece of plastic out of the other. Right.

Uriah to the rescue.

So I get out of my oh-so-comfy bed and drive over to my store. Sure enough, the key won’t budge. I was emasculated three inches of plastic.

Somewhere along the way, while explaining how to do it over the phone, they got a thing stuck in the empty dispenser. This thing looks like the appropriate tool, however, it is not.


I have to drop to my knees in this tiny bathroom and wedge myself between the toilet and the wall just to look at this thing.  (There’s a nice gay joke in there somewhere, I’m sure.)

Long story short, I was saved by my pen.  And I’m sure tomorrow I’ll get a call or text message from someone telling me I’m an idiot for not knowing how to unjam it.

The highlight of my day was The Grocery Store calling me in regards to my survey.  I wonder if they got my email yet? The woman on the phone sounded so cheerful.  Hopefully I’ll have some cool story about our conversation tomorrow.

The Grocery Store

I remember when my favorite grocery store opened.  I fell in love with it.  It was bright and shiny and new.  Everyone was happy and friendly.  My parents didn’t like it, but I did.  I’d even stop in during lunch in high school to grab some fresh fruit or something to munch on during class.

So when I moved back here in 2005, where did I go to do my grocery shopping?  That same store.  But, of course, it changed with time, as all things do.

Below is a copy of what I sent customer service tonight after my latest and, I fear, possibly last visit to what once was my favorite place to shop.


This store seems to be on a downward slide.  It’s been that way for a few years now.  Every time the store gets staffed with good people (hard workers, polite, friendly), they don’t last very long.  The store is often (regardless of the time of day) dirty, with bags laying in the aisles.  I work as a retail manager, and I cringe every time I walk into this store and someone is mopping because it would appear this store doesn’t have the budget to purchase the appropriate CAUTION signs.  When I arrived and tried to find parking, the cart attendant was loading carts and filling the thoroughfare, then proceeded to stop, while blocking traffic, and talk to friends.  When I left a different cart attendant was doing the same thing.  There was a kid in produce who almost ran over an elderly customer with his carts.  I’ve been in line at this store at 10pm and watched as they shut down registers, heedless to the customers waiting.  Honestly, however, the state of the produce department on today’s visit, as well as 7/27/12, have me rethinking my shopping habits.  There were fruit flies everywhere.  There was rotten fruit (lemons, limes, plums, peaches), the last batch of fresh blueberries I purchased were the worst I’ve ever had in my life.  I’ve never had a berry that was firm and beautiful outside, yet a mushy mess inside.  I understand this is a quality issue from the supplier, most likely, however, with the state of the sales floor, I cannot help but question the state of the storage area.  And this isn’t the first time I’ve purchased disastrously detestable fruit.  Last year I purchased three pounds of green plumcots, only to have them eaten from the inside out by pests.  This makes me question the quality of the produce from other locations and wonder if there are, in fact, adequate quality controls in place.  The cashier on Friday’s visit was blatantly rude to myself, the customer before me, and the bagger who came to assist him.  The bagger, however, was polite and cordial, and provided me with the greetings (albeit late) the cashier refused, even when I greeted HIM.  I was certainly glad I didn’t have any questions or problems with my transaction aside from his attitude.  What I would really like is to know what happened to my HEB?  I’ve shopped at this store since it was built.  I’d stop and get fresh fruit for lunch when I went to Clark.  It was a great store where everyone seemed happy and everyone was polite.  Please bring my old HEB back.

I’m going to miss the convenience of shopping at this store, but I’d rather have a hassle and no insect infestations.  I’d rather drive further and spend a few extra dollars at Sprouts, knowing I’ll be treated like a customer rather than an annoyance.

Besides, sprouts has blueberry pie.

The Secret

Wanna know how I stay so smooth?


I drink a TON of smoothies.

If that joke left a bad taste in your mouth, this smoothie certainly won’t.

And with all the fruit and kale jammed into it, your body will probably thank you.


I make a big smoothie everyday, and love it.  There’s so many combinations out there, so many possibilities in the world of blender mayhem healthful drinking, it seems I might never try them all.

This wonderful green beauty I’ve shown you? Bananas, green plumcot, kale, pineapple, kiwi, protein powder, a splash of milk, and some Greek yogurt.

That’s exactly how a good smoothie recipe should be written. Why?

Because you’re taking a bunch of healthy crap and throwing it in the blender. It’s not chemistry! You don’t need a formula!


So go forth to frothy goodness!

Life is Short


Life is short. Enjoy it while you can. You never know when that flyswatter’s gonna come down on you.