Day 2 (okay, it’s day three, but I was busy on day two…)

So I previously posted about this new “getting healthy” plan from my insurance company and how I’m supposed to answer these stupid questions everyday for a week or so.  Today’s question:

Day 2:
My relationship to my body
“If my body could talk to me, what would it say?”

I think my body would say, “Damn stupid mother-fucker!  What the fuck have you been doing to us?  Is there some kind of reason you’ve been putting us through this horrible abuse for the past 20-something years?  You don’t eat right.  You smoke like a blown radiator on a cold day.  You don’t sleep nearly enough to keep me even slightly happy.  What gives?  What did I ever do to you?

“Oh, that’s right, I only make sure you’re lungs work (even though you treat them like shit…what kind of asthmatic smokes a pack or two EVERY FUCKING DAY?) and your heart beats and your food gets digested… Oh… Wait…  Are you pissed off because I refuse to be happy with eggs and milk products again?  Well too fucking bad you little shithead!  Daddy’s gotta get his revenge somehow, right?  You treat me like shit, I’m gonna make you feel like you’re gonna shit your pants every time you eat something that tastes even remotely good.  Don’t like it?  TREAT ME BETTER!

“Remember that ex you wish you’d treated better?  That one you wish had never gotten away?  I’m gonna be like that.  Now our spine’s fucked up.  You may or may not have had a myocardial infarction AT TWENTYFUCKINGTHREEYEARSOLD!  Haven’t you learned anything?  SLOW DOWN!  CALM DOWN!  Enjoy the ride we’re on.  Take care of us!  Eat better and exercise!  And for the love of all that is clean and fresh QUIT FUCKING SMOKING!”

At least, that’s what I think the world wants me to think my body would tell me.  I think it would simply say, “DUDE!  REALLY?  GET US FUCKING LAID ALREADY!”

What am I doing and why am I answering these questions?

So there was this link on my health insurance page about a health assessment and how to better my health.  That was about 3 hours ago.  Now I’ve been given an “assignment” to answer questions about how I feel about food, etc.

Day 1:
My relationship with food
“What does food mean to me?”
Day 2:
My relationship to my body
“If my body could talk to me, what would it say?”
Day 3:
My vision of my future
“If I don’t improve the way I eat and exercise, in oneyear I will be…”
“If I don’t improve the way I eat and exercise, in fiveyears, I will be…”
Day 4:
My motivation
“What are the main reasons I want to manage my weight?”
Day 5:
My priorities
“What will it take for me to make exercise and eating right a top priority?”
Day 6:
My biggest stumbling blocks
“How do I sabotage my efforts to eat healthy and exercise? How can I change that?”
Day 7:
My balance patterns
“What happens to my mental clarity on days when I eat healthy and exercise?”






So I’m going to start, right now, and sometime in the next five years I should be able to finish.  I know I won’t have time to do this everyday, like it suggests.

So, question one, you’re going down, biatch!

What does food mean to me?

Food is a form of nourishment.  In the same way the sun and rain nourish plants, we nourish our bodies with food.  However, food is also a form of comfort.  Think macaroni and cheese when you’re feeling blue, tomato soup and grilled cheese when you’re feeling ill, and Ben & Jerry’s when you’re remembering how that stupid bitch cheated on you and then refused to give you back you’re Ramon’s album because she swears she’s the one who bought it, even though she claimed it was supposed to be a gift, and don’t even get you started on the engagement ring you bought with your money that she INSISTS is hers to keep and oh GAWD you miss her *sobs*.

That, to me, is food, as well as being a wonderful experiment (try fried broccoli) and a way to express creativity (all those crazy cake decorating shows on tv and the competitions that spawned them).  It’s also a thing to ponder.  I mean, really, who WAS that idiot who thought an egg would be a tasty treat?  “Oh, hey, LOOK!  Something just fell out of that chickens ass!  Let’s put it in a skillet with some butter and see how it tastes!”

Those, however, are the good things.  Food can be a bad thing, too.

I’m an overeater.  I admit that.  It’s not something I really need much help with, and you won’t see me in any Overeater’s Anonymous meetings any time soon, because it’s not like that for me.  But there are those who do need that kind of help.  People who are hoarders with their digestive tracts and taste buds.  I can understand that, in a way.  There’s always some culinary adventure around the next corner, some crazy new concoction I want to try.  Be it a new donut, a Grapl, or simply some new sandwich from Burger King.

All in all, food is a tasty adventure that, misused, can be disastrous.

Now I just have to find the time to answer the rest of these questions, work 80+ hours, exercise, and I’ll be well on my way to completing this crazy plan my health insurance thinks is a great idea…

What have I gotten myself into?