Day 2 (okay, it’s day three, but I was busy on day two…)

So I previously posted about this new “getting healthy” plan from my insurance company and how I’m supposed to answer these stupid questions everyday for a week or so. ¬†Today’s question:

Day 2:
My relationship to my body
‚ÄúIf my body could talk to me, what would it say?‚ÄĚ

I think¬†my body would say, “Damn stupid mother-fucker! ¬†What the fuck¬†have you been doing to us? ¬†Is there some kind of reason you’ve been putting us through this horrible abuse for the past 20-something years? ¬†You don’t eat right. ¬†You smoke like a blown radiator on a cold day. ¬†You don’t sleep nearly¬†enough to keep me even slightly happy. ¬†What gives? ¬†What did I¬†ever do to you?

“Oh, that’s right, I only make sure you’re lungs work (even though you treat them like shit…what kind of asthmatic smokes a pack or two EVERY FUCKING DAY?) and your heart beats and your food gets digested… Oh… Wait… ¬†Are you pissed off because I refuse to be happy with eggs and milk products again? ¬†Well too fucking bad you little shithead!¬†¬†Daddy’s gotta get his revenge somehow, right? ¬†You treat me like shit, I’m gonna make you feel like you’re gonna shit your pants every time you eat something that tastes even remotely¬†good. ¬†Don’t like it? ¬†TREAT ME BETTER!

“Remember that ex you wish you’d treated better? ¬†That one you wish had never gotten away? ¬†I’m gonna be like that. ¬†Now our spine’s fucked up. ¬†You may or may not have had a myocardial infarction AT TWENTYFUCKINGTHREEYEARSOLD! ¬†Haven’t you learned anything? ¬†SLOW DOWN! ¬†CALM DOWN! ¬†Enjoy the ride we’re on. ¬†Take care of us! ¬†Eat better and exercise! ¬†And for the love of all that is clean and fresh QUIT FUCKING SMOKING!”

At least, that’s what I think the world wants¬†me to think my body would tell me. ¬†I think it would simply say, “DUDE! ¬†REALLY? ¬†GET US FUCKING LAID ALREADY!”

What am I doing and why am I answering these questions?

So there was this link on my health insurance page about a health assessment and how to better my health. ¬†That was about 3 hours ago. ¬†Now I’ve been given an “assignment” to answer questions about how I feel about food, etc.

Day 1:
My relationship with food
“What does food mean to me?”
Day 2:
My relationship to my body
“If my body could talk to me, what would it say?”
Day 3:
My vision of my future
“If I don‚Äôt improve the way I eat and exercise, in¬†oneyear I will be…”
“If I don‚Äôt improve the way I eat and exercise, in¬†fiveyears, I will be…”
Day 4:
My motivation
“What are the main reasons I want to manage my weight?”
Day 5:
My priorities
“What will it take for me to make exercise and eating right a top priority?”
Day 6:
My biggest stumbling blocks
“How do I sabotage my efforts to eat healthy and exercise? How can I change that?”
Day 7:
My balance patterns
“What happens to my mental clarity on days when I eat healthy and exercise?”

 

 

 

 

 

So I’m going to start, right now, and sometime in the next five years I should be able to finish. ¬†I know I won’t have time to do this everyday, like it suggests.

So, question one, you’re going down, biatch!

What does food mean to me?

Food is a form of nourishment. ¬†In the same way the sun and rain nourish plants, we nourish our bodies with food. ¬†However, food is also a form of comfort. ¬†Think macaroni and cheese when you’re feeling blue, tomato soup and grilled cheese when you’re feeling ill, and Ben & Jerry’s when you’re remembering how that stupid bitch cheated on you and then refused to give you back you’re Ramon’s album because she¬†swears she’s¬†the one who bought it, even though she claimed¬†it was supposed to be a gift, and don’t even get you started on the engagement ring you¬†bought with your¬†money that she INSISTS is hers to keep and oh GAWD you miss her *sobs*.

That, to me, is food, as well as being a wonderful experiment (try fried broccoli) and a way to express creativity (all those crazy cake decorating shows on tv and the competitions that spawned them). ¬†It’s also a thing to ponder. ¬†I mean, really, who WAS that idiot who thought an egg would be a tasty treat? ¬†“Oh, hey, LOOK! ¬†Something just fell out of that chickens ass! ¬†Let’s put it in a skillet with some butter and see how it tastes!”

Those, however, are the good things.  Food can be a bad thing, too.

I’m an overeater. ¬†I admit that. ¬†It’s not something I really need much help with, and you won’t see me in any Overeater’s Anonymous meetings any time soon, because it’s not like that for me. ¬†But there are those who do¬†need that kind of help. ¬†People who are hoarders with their digestive tracts and taste buds. ¬†I can understand that, in a way. ¬†There’s always some culinary adventure around the next corner, some crazy new concoction I want to try. ¬†Be it a new donut, a Grapl, or simply some new sandwich from Burger King.

All in all, food is a tasty adventure that, misused, can be disastrous.

Now I just have to find the time to answer the rest of these questions, work 80+ hours, exercise, and I’ll be well on my way to completing this crazy plan my health insurance thinks is a great idea…

What have I gotten myself into?