It ain’t no Pepsi Muffin

While it may not be as good as nibbling on a muffin, Pepsi flavored or otherwise, it’s still insanely tasty and just happens to be this weeks blog post!

What is it?  Why, it’s Kung Pow Tofu, of course!  Now, I understand some people might be all, “That’s not Kung Pow!  Peanuts do not a Kung Pow make!” and to them I reply, “Well, what is Kung Pow other than the hardest thing in the world to eat with chopsticks?”

It’s simple, really.  All you need is:

1lb well pressed Hard Tofu (Chinese or Cotton tofu)*

1 small package frozen broccoli florets

sracha sauce

chili garlic sauce

peanuts

soy sauce

oil

In either a wok or deep skillet, sauce pan, or whatever it is you happen to prefer cooking something in, heat some oil.  I happen to prefer spicy sesame oil as it’s, well, spicy.  None of that woosy olive oil for me, no sir, I like my taste buds to bleed.  Crumble to tofu into the oil.  Follow the microwave directions for the broccoli, but only cook it halfway or so.  Basically, kind of follow the instructions, but pretend your extremely stoned and hungry and too impatient to wait the 8 or 9 minutes for it to cook.

Add some soy sauce to the tofu, and maybe a little salt or whatever.  I think soy sauce is plenty salty, and my food is delicious.  Trust me.  I have about 50 pounds to lose, so I must know good food.  Stir it around every couple of minutes.  You want it to be nice and kind of golden brown or whatever.  It doesn’t really make a difference to me if you want to eat it raw.  Hey, it’s your dinner, not mine, but I happen to like my tofu nice and cooked thoroughly.  When the timer goes off on the broccoli put it in with the tofu.  You may have to drain the broccoli.  The directions on my store brand said so, but you ritzy people with your name brand broccoli might not have to.  And while you’re at it, send some extra money my way.  Or, better yet, stop being so full of yourself.  It’s a freaking vegetable.  What difference does it make if you spend an extra $1.50 on it to get the name brand versus the store brand?  It’s all G-d’s brand, anyway!

Next, add that garlic chili sauce to it that you find in the ethnic aisle at the grocery store.  Stir everything around a bit.  You probably didn’t add enough, so add a little bit more along with some sracha so everything is coated nice on top, and then stir everything around a bit more.  Then add some peanuts and sesame seeds or celery or whatever.  Then stir it around some more.  Put it into a vessel and consume.

I’d post a picture of what it should look like, but I ate my portion.  Besides, this post is about cooking, not eating.  Maybe next week I’ll post the follow-up with strict instructions on how to consume the amazing food I just explained how to make.

*Remember, folks, Bing is your friend.

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