My Pumpkin has a Penis

So, true story, I was surfing the internet to see what I need to do to get giant motherfucking pumpkins when I discovered pumpkins have penises AND vaginas and I was like, “Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa” and then the internet told me that I needed to inseminate it with its own seed.  What. The. Fuck.

I mean, really, first the internet is telling me my pumpkin, with all of it’s pretty flowers, has a penis.  Okay, you know, I’m an open minded guy.  I can handle having a gay pumpkin.  Chip off the ol’ block, eh?  No big whoop.  But then the internet goes on to tell me I have to do something with the pumpkin’s vagina.  So, yeah.  I have to mutilate my poor pretty pumpkin flower and put its penis inside it’s vagina in order to get it pregnant and bear fruit.

It's a pumpkin penis with it's jizz and ants

Those are ants. Imagine how inadequate my little pumpkin feels next to me.

I’m confused.  I thought this was a plant.  See, when I decided I wanted to have plants, sort of as a nifty Science Project, I wasn’t planning on going so far as artificial insemination.  Now, granted, I don’t have to artificially inseminate this plant.  I could just allow nature to take its course and, if I get a pregnant pumpkin, so be it.  But, see, I don’t enjoy watching those close to me suffer through being childless, so I feel I absolutely must assist my pumpkin in this endeavor, despite having watched it grow up, practically raising it with my own two hands.

Immature Female Pumpkin Flower

See, girls DON'T mature faster than boys!

I would post a picture of the pumpkins vajayjay, however, it’s an elusive thing.  When I get a picture, I will share, along with video of the pumpkin sexing .

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