Tired and cranky and OMG KITTY!

I really wish that kitty joke was a euphemism but, alas, it is not. I almost hit a cat on my way home last night and a possum Friday night and was almost attacked by deer Wednesday night and I’m really beginning to think Texas wildlife is trying to kill me and I kind of think it’s because I don’t spend nearly enough time with them so I am seriously thinking of hiking sometime today but it depends on whether I can get my lazy ass out of bed or not at some point in the near future if things all go according to plan, which they likely won’t.

How’s that for an introductory sentence, eh? I’m also seriously considering sending off my phone, but I feel so bad placing it in the iBox. It’s been so good to me and I already feel so awful for having shattered its screen even though it obviously loves me and accepts all my faults since I’ve been able to write my blog posts and tweet and such from it. It’s like the perfect girlfriend I have yet to find, softly whispering to me, “It’s okay, honey, I love you even though you’re a total basket case and have the emotional IQ of a 6-year-old and the social skills of a Pontiac and the energy level of a three-toed sloth”. I wish my iPhone were a real girl.

Dammit! Where’s that magical fairy goddess lady and her cricket when I need them?

Holy shit I MUST meat these people!

So I had this insane craving for a great burger on Wednesday. The only place I know that’s still open and has great burgers and isn’t some corporate shittrap closed before I could get there and I got stuck eating at McDeath’s. The good part of this story is that, through my amazing powers of Google Fu I discovered AN ENTIRE BLOG DEDICATED TO BURGERS IN SAN ANTONIO! I MUST meet this cult of meat worshippers and partake in their activities of meat worship! It is now my newest life’s goal!

My prior life’s goal was to successfully become vegan. Yes, I realize that does not make sense, but what about me actually does make sense?

And, whoa, I finally met this guy I’ve been talking to for almost two years, yet hadn’t actually met in person. It totally sucks how life gets in the way of things sometimes, but it finally happened. The really odd part is it turns out he lives on the street behind me.

It was kind of like that time I met a chick in Savannah, Ga after living there for only a few months who was from Texas. The entire conversation went something like this:

Me:  So you don’t sound like you’re from around here.

Her:  I’m not, I’m staying at the hotel next door for the time being.

Me:  So where are you from?

Her:  Texas.

Me:  Heh, how tired are you of people asking about your pet horse and why you’re not wearing your hat and spurs?

Her:  OMG!  I can’t stand you people with that!  Texas isn’t like that at all!

Me:  I know, I grew up in San Antonio.

Her:  No way, so did I!  I’m from the North West side.

Me:  Really?  So am I!  I lived in [insert name of neighborhood here]

Her:  Really?!?  I lived on [insert street name in aforementioned neighborhood here]

Me:  No shit!  I lived on [insert name of street behind aforementioned street in aforementioned neighborhood here]

Her:  I was [imaginary house number]

Me:  Holy crap, you lived behind me!  What’s your name?

Her: I’m [insert name of childhood friend’s sister]

Me:  Holy crap, I was friends with your brother!

Then I met a whole slew of people over the next couple of years who all lived around me and/or went to school with me.  I always thought the idea behind moving far away from where you grew up was to escape the people you knew before.  And now that I’m back in SATown, I’ve run in to bunches of people I was in extremely close proximity to in Savannah, one lady even shopped in the grocery store where I worked and we HAD AN ENTIRE CONVERSATION YEARS AGO!  How creepy is that?

So I guess it really is a small world after all!

Why can’t I get the cool jobs? It’s all Target’s fault!

All I want is an awesome job that gives me awesome things to write about for you awesome people who read my blog.  But can I?  No.  Why?  Ask Target.

See, there’s this guy who spent 24 hours in Wal-Mart and then wrote, not one, but two entries to Zug about his stay at The Mart of Wal, and can I do anything like that for you guys to enjoy?  NO!  Why?  Because Target isn’t cool enough to be open 24 hours, and when I tried to apply, they told me they “didn’t have any positions open at the current time”.  Well, you know what, Target?  Your mom had plenty of positions open for me last night and I didn’t hear her complaining.  Yeah, that’s right, I said it.  YOUR MOM’S A WHORE, Target, and I’m gonna prove it to the world!  That’s the real reason you aren’t open 24 hours, isn’t it?  Because you gotta be your mom’s pimp.

No wonder you charge so much for your store brand products.

That’s it, I’m boycotting Target, at least until they start actually offering good-looking prostitutes in their clearance aisle.  Who’s with me?