It’s like Mystery Science Theater, only live, and also the reason I think I might be schizophrenic

So I was totally going to comment on this post over at The Bloggess (who has got to be the funniest person on the face of the planet and my favoritest blogger in the history of ever) but, as I was typing it, I realized it was going to end up being about as long as her post and STILL not give hardly any back story.  I mean, really, who doesn’t like back story?  Without back story you have absolutely no idea what’s going on.

Years ago my friends and I went to see “Blade 2” on opening night.  There weren’t that many people at the showing we went to, mostly couples with two seats between them (I assumed it was so no one had to suffer through the make out noises of the other couples) so we had to sit in the first row of the second section at the end by the door (where I absolutely hate to sit because stupid people can’t sit through an entire fucking movie without getting up 50,000 times to pee, buy candy, answer the phone, etc.)  There really weren’t but maybe 3 people around us, a group of about 9 or so, so it really wasn’t bad.  About halfway through the movie, all the people on the outskirts of our group took the seats separating the other people.  And people kept laughing.  I had no idea why unless it was because someone was getting head.  I don’t know, I was too busy watching the movie.

Then I went to see “Duce Bigelow 2” with a friend.  There were a whole 10 of us in a theater that sat ~100 people.  We sat by ourselves until halfway through the movie I noticed everyone else suddenly sitting around us.  Yeah, everyone in the theater had moved to sit immediately in front/next to/behind us.  It was kind of creepy.  This has gone on for years.

Finally, my “runner-up to be craziest ex” ex, some of her friends, her chick, and I all went to see “30 Days of Night” on opening day in a theater that was PACKED.  I mean, we had to beg a couple to move so we could all sit together.  Towards the end of the movie everyone around me starts falling out during a scene that was supposed to be touching and sad, not funny.  I couldn’t figure out why, unless I missed something.  So I turned to Miss Psycho and had the following conversation:

Me: Did I miss something?  This is almost bringing tears to my eyes, so why is everyone laughing?

Miss Psycho: Stop joking around and watch the movie.

Me: No, really, why is everyone laughing?

MP: Don’t act like you don’t know.

Me: Damnit, woman, what the fuck is so funny?

MP: YOU!

Me: OH MY FUCKING GOD I’M COVERED IN POPCORN AREN’T I?

MP: WHAT!?

Me: Oh, shit, did the guy behind us nut on my hat?

MP: Damnit, dipshit, you haven’t shut up since the movie started!

Me: I haven’t said a damn fucking thing!

MP: No, really, you haven’t stopped talking since the movie started.

Me: I don’t believe you.

MP: You always talk through the entire movie.

Me: No, I just think through the entire movie.

Strange woman I’ve never met sitting in front of me shortly after this conversation after the lights came up and we were leaving the theater: Honey, you’re funny.  And the fact you think you’re thinking and not talking only makes the whole thing funnier.

So, apparently what happened is I watched so much MST3K as a kid that it’s gotten into my subconscious and I give a complete running commentary throughout the entire film.

Now, if only I could be that funny on stage and get paid, that would be amazing, because then I wouldn’t have to clean up the sperm on the toilet in the women’s restroom.

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2 Comments

  1. MST3K was definitely one of the best shows on tv….

  2. Love it. (The post…not the sperm.)


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