I’m not vain, it’s just that you’ve been promoted to Captain Idiot

So when I was a kid they had this Time Life commercial for a record collection (I am NOT old, y’all, really) of 70’s greatest hits.  It was an awesome commercial until this one song came up called “You’re so Vain”.  It drove me nuts.  I’d ask my mom whenever the commercial aired what the song meant and she’d look at me like, “Where have I gone wrong raising this child?” but she’d actually tell me, “Don’t worry about it, honey, it’s just a song.  I’m sure you’ll understand when you’re older.”

The lyrics, if you didn’t know:

You’re so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this song is about you
Don’t you? Don’t you?

I couldn’t help it and we went through the entire ritual everyday until she finally got frustrated and screamed, “WHAT DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE DAMN SONG?!?!?!”

Me: If she’s saying that I’m so vain that I probably think the song is about me then doesn’t that make the song about me and me not actually vain at which point she wouldn’t need to sing the song because I’m not really vain at all I’m just the victim?

Mom: 0_O Don’t ever bring this song up again.  EVER!

So cut to 9 years later when I’m fourteen.  We were listening to the oldies station and that song came on and I immediately reached over and turned the radio off.

Mom: What the hell are you doing?

Me: I hate that song.

Mom: Well, when you’re driving, you won’t have to listen to it, but as you aren’t old enough and I still have to drive your ass everywhere I’m in control of the radio and I say we’re going to listen to it. *turns radio back on*

Me: But it doesn’t make sense!

Mom: What?

Me: It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.  None.  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch.

Mom: How does it not make sense?

Me: If she’s singing I’m so vain I probably think this song is about me then doesn’t it make it about me?  At which point she shouldn’t even be singing the song!  It’s a completely pointless statement of her own stupidity and she probably opened a riff in the space/time continuum.

Mom: Okay…honey, I think we’re going to up your medication.

I’ve mentioned this to many people, and none of them have ever thought about that.  NOT. A. ONE.  They just nod along to the beat while singing nonsense lyrics and look at me like I’m nuts whenever I bring it up and for some reason they never really want to talk to me again.

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