Well, at least I didn’t wet myself, so that’s a good thing -or- My undies are still (semi) clean, YAY!

  • So, on this whole “I need a new job” thing, I’m totally thinking of taking the great advice I was given and taking the pharmacy job, especially after tonight.

It finally happened, every convenience store clerks (almost) worst fear: I got robbed.  But at least my masculinity’s still in tact because:

  • I didn’t break down/burst into tears/curl into fetal position at the sight of the gun
  • I was complimented by the Area Manager as having the most “by the book robbery” he’s every seen (yay me, I guess)
  • I didn’t wet my pants

So, here I sit, at my computer, in dry Fruit of the Looms, very grateful to be alive and unholy.

However, I feel as if I must address the robber personally, so here it is:

Dear Mr. Robber Guy,

Thank you for being so polite and thanking me for offering you a new bag after I dropped the one you gave me.  Also, thank you for not shooting me, although, I must say, you weren’t very intimidating, and if that’s what you were going for, I would highly recommend you do a couple of things before you attempt to rob another store.  That way, in the future, you won’t come across as such a pansy and will, in fact, come across as the major douche canoe you are.

Here is the numbered list of things you could do to actually seem intimidating, in no particular order of importance:

  1. Grow a couple of inches
    • I know, it’s not necessarily in your control and has more to do with your parents (who obviously didn’t raise you very well, unless they raised you to terrorize people who are grossly underpaid to clean up other people’s poo and have guns pointed at them so you don’t have to be grossly underpaid to actually pay for your mortgage, your parents tires, electricity/gas, water, cable, etc, in which case they did a bang up job, pardon the pun) and genetics than anything else.  There are some great products you can use to make yourself taller, which will also help you in the long run since you’ll be harder to identify if the clerk you’re robbing thinks your 5’8″ instead of the dinky 5’4″ you actually are.

  2. Carry a real gun

    • This is Texas.  In Texas, attempting to rob a convenience store with a .22 caliber pistol makes you seem gay.  If you are gay, that’s cool, because I’m bi and I’ll probably see you at the club, bar, or possibly Hot Bodies someday, which would be fine, although, no matter how hot you are, don’t expect me to hook up with you, unless I don’t recognize you, which is unlikely, as I will likely never hook up with another Latin male again, thanks to you (which really pisses me off because I think Latin guys are extremely hot and the last guy I was with was the most polite hookup I’ve ever had in my life, and also the best, so thank you, kind sir,  for ruining my sex life even more than it already is).  However, if you, in fact, are not gay, might I recommend at the very least a .45 or larger, preferably a Desert Eagle because they look more intimidating, or, better yet, a sawed off shot-gun.  I’d definitely have to go with the sawed off shot-gun since you’re going to need it anyway during the zombie apocalypse.  And duct tape.  You cannot forget the duct tape.

  3. Don’t be polite.

  • Being polite is extremely cool, and shows just how good you are at what you do, especially in a situation like a robbery where anything could happen and you and I are completely at the whim of the other.  I certainly appreciate you being polite, however, you need to sound more authoritative when giving directions to the clerk.  Don’t ASK me to give you the money.  I mean, sure, you didn’t use any of the question words, but you didn’t exactly order me to give you the money, either.  Think about all the robbery scenes you’ve seen in movies.  The robbers generally scream at the people, not meekly say “Give me the money”.  That’s not okay in a robbery.  You gave me the impression that, had it not gone against our corporate policy, I could have said, “No.  Now get the FUCK OUT OF MY STORE BEFORE I WHIP YOUR ASS, BITCH!”  And then you would have run away all frightened like.  Doesn’t make you seem very manly.  Just because you have the gun doesn’t make you the bigger man.  Especially a .22 (see point 2, above).

In conclusion, Mr. Robber Guy, I’d like to say thank you for being so kind, but please take the advice above so your next robbery attempt is much more successful.

Best regards,

The grossly underpaid CSR

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