Random Adventures and Why I Should be Kept on a Leash at All Times

So I’ve wanted to take a trip for quite some time. The last trip I took was to New York in 2008 for a totally awesome convention full of totally awesome people. Before that I went to the coast, twice. Both trips were cut short because of hurricanes. The trip I took to Waco doesn’t count because I was held prisoner by a swollen tongue and a family not my own.

So I decided that, on Monday morning, when I get out of work, I’m going to, regardless of how tired I am or how bad the traffic is or however cold it may be, I’m going to Austin and I’m going to have some fun. I just wanted to have a place to throw all the random shit I think or whatever happens while I’m up there without spamming everyone who follows me on Twitter.

Most likely I will simply drive for 2hrs in horrendous traffic, get frustrated by downtown parking, get a slurpee, feel delirously intoxicated by exhaustion the beginnings of adventure blooming within me, and get lost somewhere in Austin at the exact moment my iPhone dies and have to call AAA sobbing about how lost I am and that I need a tow 100 miles or so home, and then they’ll tell me they don’t do that, and I’ll be forced to either chew off my own foot like a trapped coyote or slash all of my tires.

So, basically, fun times are coming. YAY!

***Update @ 9ish in the morning***
So I totally don’t know why everyone complains about the drive to Austin. It really wasn’t that bad. Currently I have absolutely no idea where I am. Somewhere in Travis county. I swear I’d get lost in a sleeping bag…oh, wait, that totally already happened.

I don’t think the people up here are all too bright. There’s a car dealership called “Covert Pre-Owned”. How can a car dealership be called covert if it has big signs announcing it’s presence? Unless their stolen cars, which would be why they’re “covertly pre-owned”. That says tons about the crime control in this area. I so don’t want to live here anymore. Plus, I don’t think you’re supposed to capitalize the second word in a hyphenate, so obviously the schools are bad.

****I’m no longer going to actually mark my updates with anything but a tome stamp and asterisks because I’m lazy and also I’ve got to pee which means I’ve goto find a gas station or some place to pee since unlike San Antonio wherever the hell I am doesn’t have random jiffy johns every couple of miles in every road. But I just typed all of this. Does that make me not lazy since I just did all that extra work? Wait, I’m confused. and also lost.*****

So I just left the bookstore that carries Dr. Laura in the gay and lesbian section and also has a book on how to talk like Jesus, but I don’t understand how you can write a book on how to talk like a dead guy, let alone write one, since he’s dead and doesn’t have anything to say. So obviously the people here are not only lacking in intelligence, but also crazy, which has me afraid I’m going to fall victim to that crazy axe murderer who goes after people on road trips, so I’m thinking I should act stupid and crazy so everyone will think I’m a local and no axe murderers will come after me. Best. Self defense. Ever.

But, wait, I don’t own an axe. And my machete’s at home. Damn, now I’ve got to find a Home Depot.

So, apparantly, I’m the only sort-of-fat-guy in Austin. Walking up the stairs at Mt Bonnel got me all winded and my heart racing. I though I was going to pass out. I haven’t felt my heart race like that since the last time I got lucky which was…on second thought, nevermind when that was.

And while the view up here is amazing, it’s taken away from by them naming it “Covert Park”. Why would they call it that when they have signs everywhere telling you how to get there? And, honestly, if I can find it, it’s definitely not covert. I mean, really, I got lost inside a sleeping bag but didn’t even need directions to get here. Someone needs to be fired for gross negligence.


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